Life Comes At You Fast

I was joking with my French friend the other day. For context I once got into an argument with this girl in our women's group who said something like “Americans only bathe 2 times a week” and I shut that down. Not in MY America. I don’t know what rock without plumbing that girl crawled out from under, but in my America we bathe everyday and wash our legs too. And so anytime something comes up she always jokes “like so and so that one time”. But no showering just feels good. Morning and night.

My ex, Christian Kinnersley’s dick smelled so badly that I honestly have an irrational fear that I never felt before I met him. You hear horror stories of men with hygiene issues, but you don’t expect it to happen to you because it never happened before, so you think it’s just a joke or a punchline comics tell to get a laugh. But then it happens to you, and I tried, boy did I try to overcome it. He only bathed once a week because he had really flakey skin. Like dry skin everywhere. Eczema or psoriasis, I don’t know, but he was crusty all over. He had a dry patch on his dick that never went away, and had really bad dandruff issues (or cradle cap as he called it) in addition to being papery. I tried to find him ointments, creams, tried to coax him to shower more with French products that are highly valued for sensitive skin, but he didn’t want to put in the work (story of his life). You love someone you want to help them ya know. I wanted to take care of him, but you can only help so much. 

Since then I have Proustian Vietnam flashbacks. I just can’t. Once you experience that kind of thing it sticks with you. All future men be damned. You can’t scrub it from your mind. People talk about smells that haunt them forever, in my opinion rancid, musty, fishy dick smell will haunt you forever. You need hypnosis, long Covid, or nothing short of a Sunshine for the Spotless Mind lobotomy treatment to get rid of that brain scar (along with the other scars he inflicted). 

And for all of the stupid jokes, Paris is not it. England should get your side eye because the cited example above, but I have a few friends who live here who love to hate on the French. They HATE the French. I don't get behind that stereotype because I know better. It's a cliche that doesn't actually exist. My French friend and I even tried to figure out when or why it came about (1940’s?) but it is what it is. So instead