Well, Well, Well, If It Isn't the Consequences of My Own Actions
|The Hinge profile in question|
I’ve spent my adult dating life in Paris. I can’t speak on dating in other countries because I only know Paris. I should probably make my blog a Sex and the City type blog because sometimes I really feel like I have more than a few horror stories. But if you average out 500 men and only a handful are terrible I guess it's not unluckier than most, but sometimes I wonder...
I’m not a lurker. I don’t go through men’s social media, even if they link it to their dating profiles. I guess I’m someone who likes to be surprised, or in a nicer way I guess I like to learn about someone organically. Stalking people’s socials is not my thing. I don't need to know what you did in 2013. Own reason; I don’t care and I’m chronically, pathologically incurious about other human beings. I guess I should rethink that.
So I used Hinge when it first came out. It wasn’t big in Paris and I remember at the time that it only had 2 people. You would swipe X and they would magically reappear again because Hinge is super sus and seems to have this weird idea that you’ll change your mind? But Hinge has a reputation in the US. It’s known as “the marriage app” and they are much stricter. For instance ghosting, blocking, failing to meet, not being on the app for a “relationship” these will all get you banned. Pretty amazing right? It makes Hinge seem like the perfect, and safer, dating app.
Well after Covid Hinge still kind of sucks but more people use it than they did before. In Paris especially it’s a great place to meet well traveled, international guys. One French guy complained that Hinge doesn’t even let you change the language so most men kind of have to speak English to use it. Another point in it’s favor.
There are the ones who don’t; they write in French, they put "…" as their answer, they just put an emoji, or this one strange guy just put “pizza” as every answer. But again that makes it really good because you’re more likely to weed people out.
At the time I wasn’t really a fan of Hinge. The guys on there are just visiting, or they’re not attractive. I just wasn’t feeling it, and I kind of hated that you had to like something in order to match with someone. It made it harder because unlike in America where men get really creative with their prompts (and they’re so funny), they don’t do that here. So you’re mostly left with ‘what do I even like’ because you have to start a conversation based on it. Liking a photo unless it’s really funny just feels naff.
In any manner, I can’t remember how I matched with this guy. I’m not even sure what I “liked” on his profile or if he liked me first. I have no idea how this all began. Sorry. Wish it was more interesting than that.
But anyhow we matched and he said something like I rarely use Hinge so let’s move to Messenger. Now that isn’t really a bad thing because it means he is showing he has a social media presence which will dispel the “catfish” trap. The weird thing was his Facebook was “Ke Drr” and that sets off red flags. But he said he was a high school teacher, and he didn’t want his students to find him, and that tracks, right?
Because he went by Ke Drr (Ke on Hinge and Bumble) I obviously asked him what his name was and he said his real name was Kevin Derrien. His profile listed him as living in Paris, but he didn’t actually live in Paris, he said he lived in Cergy. I wasn’t too excited about that (not being in Paris can be an issue), but I had no reason to think he was a liar.
We got to chatting and it was February so at the time so it was cold and I took on a project for a new website because might as well make some money if I'm stuck at home. It was just a bit of part time work, I didn’t think anything of it. But then he said something like 'ew work', and that turned me off so I stopped messaging him.
I’m American, we love to work, we love to hustle. I like nice things so I’m going to work to afford them. A guy who judges me for my work ethic is definitely not what I wanted.
|I was totally Cassie that night|
Anyhow April/May Day a friend had come over to my house. We had a little Sunday girls booze sesh and I had been watching too much Euphoria. Euphoria was making me nostalgic for my high school years and I got it into my head that I wanted to do shrooms for my birthday. I went through my Rolodex of men I’ve dated/talked/met to see if I could procure some and in my drunken haze I remembered Kevin form February. Thinking nothing of it, and having no shame, I messaged him.
We got to talking. It was a boozy night, and I drank a lot, and my neighbors probably wanted to kill me for playing Labrinth all night, but I didn’t say anything I wouldn’t have said sober so I didn’t think anything of it. He said he was in London at the time, and at like 1am he said he was going to sleep. We ended our conversation there.
At some point (I can’t remember when exactly but it was that same week) we started talking again and I found a renewed interest in him. He did mention that the "ew work" thing was not how he meant it. I liked his personality and when he asked me out I looked forward to it. It was actually a better time to reconnect as my head was now clear and I was ready to meet people.
I was surprised to find how excited I was to meet him. I liked him. I was intrigued by him. I even tried to plan a different kind of date because I wanted it to be interesting, and more than the usual “drinks” that is so cliche and common.
But the day before the date he cancelled. I was disappointed. He said the RER was closing early and he wouldn’t be able to make it. A friend of mine who lives in Cergy because she goes to ESSEC, and so takes the RER, said he was lying. So I wrote him off. It seemed shady. He was not happy about it but he was like "as you wish".
Later on I had planned a trip to Mont Saint Michel but I was finding it difficult. France is usually easily connected by rail but when I asked other people how to get there I was basically told “no idea”. I contacted SNCF. They couldn’t tell me. It was really hard for me to understand how this big tourist monument was basically inaccessible, with no trains going there. Who did I know from the area? Kevin. He said he was from Saint Malo, so I messaged him to ask about getting around the area.
This got us talking again and my interest was renewed. For the next two weeks we talked constantly but it was strange to me how he would shut on and off, and constantly change his mind. He said he was a bad texter and I shouldn’t take it badly because he was that way with everyone. But then he would text me constantly all day. It was strange because I would say something bothered me and then he would make the effort to change. Then it would stop. I couldn’t understand it. If someone is making the effort they like you right? Right?
One night it eventually came to a head. We had been talking for a while, and he had not set a date, and it was making me angry because he was making regular visits to Paris. We agreed to let the relationship grow organically and not put any pressure on it, but for me at least, you have to meet at some point. It was strange that he had no intention of ever meeting.
He had some excuses for that in the beginning. One weekend he was in Saint Malo, one weekend he was in Dublin, one weekend his friend from Brittany was visiting. He also said he had applied to move to Vietnam or Indonesia, and would be leaving after the school year. Then he said he would be moving back to Brittany. Then he said he may be staying because he liked where he worked. Then he said he would buy a house in Maisons Lafitte because he lived there with his previous girlfriend of 12 years and he could drive to his work easily from there. Then he said he might go back to Research at a uni in Paris. He had no idea what he was doing. No idea what he wanted. One minute the sky was blue, the next minute the sky was orange.
I'm not going to judge someone for being lost, we're all a little lost, but he martyred himself to it. Everything was woe is me because I'm so lost, I can't live life because I'm so lost, I don't know what I want because I'm so lost, I can't make decisions about anything or plan anything because I'm so lost. It was hard to keep track of it all.
|Kevin that night|
Thankfully I have a great group of girlfriends and of course I told them what happened. They had been aware of the situation because obviously I had talked through it all with them in our weekly meets. One of them was like ‘he’s a weirdo and a waste of time, end it now’. The other said ‘he’s probably just really shy, it’s not odd, give it time’. So it had been a thing we discussed, as all girls do.
One of those friends is French and she’s a legal consultant. She’s got a sharp mind and she can read French. While we were commiserating how he's a dick, and how strange it was that it all went south in very little time, she had figured out that he was a liar. A complete and total fraud.
I don’t know how. I mean she explained it, but the speed and efficiency at which she accomplished it is mind blowing. I think it took her 5 minutes. They say women are better than the FBI at finding stuff out? Well she’s Mossad. She’s really good.
She found out he had lied about pretty much everything. His name wasn’t Kevin Derrien, but was Kevin Drouere, he lied about his birthday (wtf?) it was April 14th not January 31st, he lied about where he lived, not in Cergy but something called Vauréal or something, and he wasn’t even from Saint Malo, but some place called Lannion. The whole thing was
The only thing real was that he was a teacher (or a coach?). Possibly. Maybe. Who really knows. Maybe Google can't even figure that trick out. He got Google out here like Britney too.
I'm not really sure why the lies. I'm a pretty understanding person, when I met my ex he gave a different name too, so I understand being cautious, but lying about everything? Your birthday??? It's such a random lie that it makes you think "if he can lie about something as inconspicuous as that, he can probably lie about anything'.
Maybe he has a wife. Maybe he has a girlfriend. The only thing I know for sure is that he wasn’t a catfish because he sent a video (and photos), which at the time was really sweet, but that goes into the "why were you trying so hard"? Basically everything he said was a lie. Bonkers.
Moral of the story I guess you really have to dig into everyone. I hate that, because I hate finding out information about people without it being organically given in conversation. I find it creepy to go through socials. I find it weird to know too much. The whole thing is unnatural. I'm an honest person, okay too honest, but I kind of expect the same in return because why would you lie? My ex lies like he breathes air so I know some men are just batshit insane, but Christian never lied about everything.
Lying about everything, and so easily, is sociopathic. My girlfriends really want to know why he did it, they’re like “why tho?”. But after my ex I learned that you cannot apply reason or rational thought to some people’s actions. There’s just something in their head that doesn’t work right. Trying to understand, or explain it, gives them undeserved justification. You cannot justify it. You just gotta accept that it’s mental illness and let it go.
|My friends now when I like someone|
If I didn’t have such great friends I would have stayed longer in self loathing over the Tinder Swindler of Hinge and Bumble getting away. I liked him so I was pretty depressed after it all went down, but it could have been worse. He could have been a nice, honest person, instead of a total fraud. Be safe out there ladies.