Future Faker, Future Faking
Future faking is the greatest term most people have probably never heard of. Or possibly didn’t realize it has a name. I first heard this term pretty recently when an article popped up after I watched the Tinder Swindler. I love when tech spies on me.
‘Tinder Swindler’ was a major future faker, amongst a host of other terrible personality and mental disorders. In terms of relationship warnings I guess it’s a pretty new concept for a really old trick. It wouldn’t surprise me if this name is a rebranding.
For me, future faking has never really worked. I’m a realist, and I’m also extremely picky when it comes to relationships. I have no delusions. I know about 1% of the men I date will make it past the first date. You know in Bridget Jones’s Diary when she gets asked on dates and immediately starts imagining her wedding day? Yeah that’s not me. I feel like that jinxes it. So it’s always really funny to me when I talk to Frenchguys and they employ this tactic. It must work, because they use it often, but pourquoi?
For those who don’t know, Future Faking is when a guy lies or promises something about your possible future in order to get what they want in the present. It could be as basic as promising that they will call you later, and then never calling. Or it can be promising to go on a vacation with you, and then never taking any steps to make that happen. Or even promising to marry you, carry you off into the sunset, and living happily ever after, all in order to make you complacent and to control you in the present. Source
Mind you, if you just met someone, you shouldn’t even be at that phase, much less talking about it. But some people get ahead of themselves. You start to fantasize. It’s pretty common. You should in no way feel bad if you fall for it, or have fallen for it.
I consider myself smart when it comes to dating. I’ve dated so much I feel like I’ve seen it all, and nothing can surprise me. But I came out of a really difficult relationship. One that I am not over. And it taints all of my future relationships. Plays 'Future Starts Slow'.
Full transparency I haven’t even had sex with anyone else. It is rough. But I’m trying to get to know someone before having sex, or asking them about their dick size. I’m trying to date. I’ve talked to a lot of guys, but I find it really hard to take it further because 1) I can’t connect and then I compare it to my previous relationship, and feel like if it isn’t as easy as that one was, then it’s not the right one, and 2) I don’t believe anything men say.
For context, I had no idea my ex was a master manipulator. I didn’t even question it because why would someone who loves you, and claims to care about you, lie? That relationship was what I considered the most secure, honest, trusting, and healthy relationship... #bitchyouthought So I am suspicious of everything. Every little thing I over think, and analyze, and then decide it’s easier just to not. To say I am screwed is an understatement. One relationship really can fuck up your whole life.
But then I met this guy. On Tinder. Which I don’t actually recommend because it’s a cesspit, but in France they use it more than other apps. I guess because it’s so well known and it doesn’t have the same stigma here as it does everywhere else. Don’t get me wrong I don’t use it anymore (because it is a cesspit), but at the time Hinge had no attractive men, and Tinder’s algorithm was really good at putting attractive men at the beginning.
I don’t know why I even swiped on Adrien. He had a shirtless pic which is a major 🚩, he paid Tinder to hide his age and location 🚩🚩, and I later found out he lived in Puteaux, which is a non-negotiable. But he had this steam thing in his videos that I was curious about, and he looked like a not as hot version of Claudio, a guy I had previously dated 6 years ago, and ended up staying friends with. Claudio is very good looking, very emotionally intelligent, and extremely into self awareness. I definitely transferred Claudio onto this guy (and then ended up discussing the relationship with Claudio at a later point).
His first message to me was something like I’m introducing you to my mother or I’m telling my mother about you. It was totally vomit inducing. That shit don't fly with me, and I replied back with something like 'gross, bye'. But then he said he was 21+cm and I was like … what can I say, I love a big dick. So I decided to have a bit of fun.
Flirting is always fun when you’re feeling someone. You get that glow and you’re untouchable. But then it got pretty deep, pretty fast, and I was like hold up, I actually like this guy? I looked forward to his texts, he made me laugh, I enjoyed him.
Granted not enough to completely make me forget about my previous relationship because I ended up breaking it off with him after 4 weeks. I regretted ending it over something that I may have been extra sensitive about.
Communication is a big deal to me, and I came out of a relationship where that was completely fulfilled. Nothing was off the table. We talked about everything. We texted constantly. From morning to night, our phones only went off when we went to sleep. I was never unfulfilled. I never felt alone because he was there even if he wasn’t. If I said something bothered me, he fixed it because he didn’t want to lose me. If he couldn't be there, he let me know (Claudio calls this "managing my expectations"). Christian was really good communicating and managing my expectations. Once you're used to someone doing that for you, once you have someone who accepts you fully, it makes it really hard to allow excuses from others for why they can't.
But then I thought maybe I was being too stubborn. Maybe I shouldn't hold him to the same expectations without giving him a chance. I decided to give it another go a few months later because I couldn’t stop thinking about
him [his dick].
At first I messaged him because I needed help with shoulder pain. I woke up with this stabbing pain in my neck and shoulder, and after 3 days it wasn’t getting better. As I need to use my arm and head at my job, it became urgent. He’s a physio so I thought easy enough to ask him versus waiting to see someone. And he had mentioned that when I would fall on ice I’ll come begging for his help. Which I thought was a weird flirt brag, but now I did need him.
So we talked about me seeing him, and I thought he would give me a rdv, and we would meet up at his place of work so he could help me figure out why I couldn’t move my neck. But then he continued texting me the rest of the day, and we ended up talking for like 16 straight hours. It was fast and it was hard. Everything was going good… for about a week, week and a half.
Then he started saying things that felt disingenuous, and negating things he had said previously. It felt sneaky and I was getting bad vibes. You know when you feel like someone's lying, but you don't have concrete proof? Women know what I'm talking about. You can sense when the energy is off and something doesn't feel right. It's probably a result of thousands of years of being gaslit, raped, and abused by men. Our intuition has evolved into a super power.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type of person who blindly writes someone off. I never dismiss or diminish anyone's feelings. I've developed an annoying sense of over communication over the years. I am blunt, and honest, and I speak when something bothers me. I don't do passive aggressive, and I do not expect anyone to read my mind. I expect the same level of communication in return. I tried to voice my feelings to him, but he was not interested. More on that in a minute.
Little things didn’t add up. He talked a lot about his “routine”. It became clear that he doesn't actively want to take steps to let someone into that, so I questioned his desire for "a serious relationship". He has an immature communication style, or rather no communication. It’s like a passive aggressive, spoilt child who doesn’t get their way. He shuts down. No one in their 30’s should be that childish. He’s a homebody who likes staying in, but is always “out”. He’s “shy” and reserved, but is obsessed with his Tiktok likes and social media presence. When I asked him if he had any cultural or intellectual pursuits, he talked about how his only interest is playing video games with his friends, which is unattractive to me. He also talked about us as if we were already a couple. He mentioned he wanted kids, a boy and a girl, and when I said not really my thing, he changed his answer and was like no I never said that 🚩
A part of me was like 'you’re just scared because you don’t want another Christian situation and you should really give it a chance'. I know my faults. I hold myself accountable. I know that I am broken, and comparing everyone to my previous relationship does me no favors.
But I'm also the type who doesn't take any shit. I'm not afraid of being alone. You can't fuck with someone who has nothing to lose. Plays 'Needed Me'...
Sure it was hard to ignore we had a lot in common, we geeked out on tech, and it was hard to deny that we had a connection. Everything we talked about we agreed on, and it felt really easy. So much easier than other guys I had talked to. The conversation never stopped flowing.
But it also felt too good to be true. And may I remind you that broken girls are the biggest pray to men with bad intentions. Girls who come out of [emotionally] abusive relationships are more likely to be victims than girls who are in a healthy state of mind. Something was nagging at me. I kept thinking ‘something doesn’t feel right’.
So I did what any girl does and picked a fight with him to get out of it. I actually really regretted it after I did it, and was a little heartbroken when it was over. I had kind of started to let my mind believe what he was saying, and I admit I even fantasized, and started trying to envision a future with him. So I was really depressed and down, and couldn't really figure out why, but in hindsight I was mourning a failed future. Plays "Same Mistakes'...
I tried to stay friends with him because I didn’t want to lose that connection. But I know my decision to blow it up was the right one (I sent a very long text that was left on read). You can't fuck with narcissists. You will never win.
I won’t go into all of the details for why it was the right decision, but believe me they were valid reasons (he said I ‘owed’ him sex for the ‘months’ we talked, he tried to manipulate me into anal sex. When I called him on it, he tried to gaslight me #consent).
As soon as sex was off the table he turned into a completely different person. Which was just another sign that women’s intuition is never wrong. It was then that I knew I had been played.
Isn’t that the worse? When your intuition pings, you take action, and then you end up being right? We all want that Hollywood ending where we’re totally wrong, and they win us over/back, and we live happily ever after. Sometimes I want to be proven wrong. Christian always fought for me, he always proved me wrong... why are men so gross?
Pays for premium Tinder, 🚩🚩🚩
Beware if you encounter Adri on Tinder or the handle Kine 92 or @kine1133 on Tiktok. Yeah… I don't use Tiktok, I’m mature and cultured, I use Twitter. Know dude is a major future faker, and you should take everything he says with a grain of salt. In fact don’t believe anything he tells you. It’s all lies. He’s only looking for a mind fuck. Liars gonna lie, and to narcissists like him it’s all apart of the game.
I’m sure you’ll encounter more than your fair share of future fakers while living in this hell city. I certainly have. More than I ever thought I would.
I’m not sure why Future Faking seems to be more common in Paris. I’m sure it exists everywhere, but I’ve never encountered it in American guys. Actually I know it doesn’t widely exist in America because we grew up with things like Heart Balm tort (which came about on the 1930’s). You can sue someone for future faking. It's called Breach of Promise of Marriage. God bless my litigious country.
Anyway all I can think is that it’s cultural? Like we grew up with movies where women cut off their husband’s dicks and sue them for not marrying them, maybe in the few French romcoms that exist little Frenchboys are taught this is what you need to do to get sex from a woman? It's so conniving and devious. Honestly, I don’t know how to rationalize it (you can’t rationalize narcissism). My only point of reference is Amelie, and while a strange romantic comedy, I don’t recall Mathieu Kassovitz future faking Audrey Tatou. Perhaps it was lost in the translation.