#ForeverAlone

Life has been nomadic. Like any other Millennial I'm a leap frogger. If I can get paid more I'll change jobs. So working for companies in San Francisco, Manhattan, Austin, Paris, Geneva, and I’ve suddenly gotten this strange desire to spend a month in Dublin soon. I think I watched too much Ray Donovan. Not to mention Tokyo after spending time on Terrace House. 

This is probably weird but I don’t like to just “visit” a country for a week, or for what’s considered a ‘normal’ vacation., I think to really familiarize yourself you have to spend a significant amount of time in it, so I prefer to spend a couple of months (or the max that a tourist visa allows). That’s how I ended up living in Paris; I went on a 3 month vacation that turned into 6 years. 


I can do that because I work remotely. But I can’t decide where I ultimately want to live. I keep going back and forth on where I want to make a home. 


I am a creature of comfort. Paris is “comfortable”. I don’t need to worry about learning a new country. But I didn’t find ‘mon cœur’ there. I was never able to make a ‘home’. 6 years and I didn’t get the American girl dream (a husband and second citizenship/passport) so it feels like Paris is going backwards. 


The company I’m with prefers I live in Paris. They want to ensure I’m able to be in London once a week for meetings and launches when Covid allows and/or proof of our vaccinations gains us entry (Texas had large quantities of the vaccine and made it available to anyone who requested). They have this idea that it’s no big deal to take the Eurostar once a week for meetings. 


Funny how that happened. For so long I wanted an American company to allow me to live in Paris or London. Now that I have it, I’m kind of like, eh, not sure I want it anymore. Christian Kinnersley tainted both cities for me, and his stink is on them.


I am renting an apartment in Paris, but it feels like a waste of money because I won’t always be here. For one thing I will no longer spend June, July, and August in the city. Never. After the last summer of 108 degree temps, I absolutely refuse to go through that again. November-January is holidays in America, so I would go home for that. Now that I have a valid visa I can come and go as I please, so I'm paying for the months that it sits empty. Unfortunately to ensure I have somewhere to return to, and be less stressed about finding accommodation, I had to sign a lease.


But I go back and forth on making Paris permanent. It's cheaper to rent in Paris than it is to rent in London, San Francisco, Boston, Austin, or New York, which are options. Yes, Paris is cheaper even with the tourist rate on a one bedroom. I even looked into Georgetown, and it was the most expensive at $3,500 for a studio! I suppose Amsterdam is an option as it is a Eurostar stop...but good ol’ Paris and her cheap rent, it’s too enticing. 


It’s also difficult because I have no reason to settle. When I was with Christian Kinnersley I thought I had found “the one”. I was all prepared to move to, and live in, Boston, New York, Paris, London, Edinburgh, Austin, wherever he wanted to or needed to be. All I wanted was to make a home with him, he just needed to tell me where so I could make it happen. Whatever he wanted I would have moved mountains to do it. But it ended up being the most painful experience I’ve ever been through. He was my heart. It was taken away. That breakup nearly killed me. I have never been so attached to someone, and to have him abandon me... I have tried to fill that utter void that I have felt since he has gone with rage, with betrayal, with hatred, but I can’t. That love was too strong. It was a love I didn’t know I was capable of, and it refuses to disappear. 


My brain can not fit my experience of our life together, through the new lens of his deceit. My entire reality changed overnight, and I went from being a strong, confident woman, to a confused, depressed mess. I am working hard to make sense of everything that happened and find my balance again. 


I am not healed so I made the decision that I wouldn’t seriously date someone until I was in a secure place; had a home, had a career, but most importantly am mentally fit. Finding a stable place, mentally, after that relationship is something that unfortunately takes years and a lot of work. I’m not able to trust anyone. And that ‘work’ is nowhere near complete. So I haven’t found a person, and I haven’t found a place, and in effect haven’t found a place to call home. Which is truly suicidally depressing when it’s the only thing you’ve ever wanted in life (a person to share it with). I’m searching for what I lost when Christian left. Or better yet what I thought I had with that relationship, because let’s be real, when someone spends the whole time lying to you, it wasn’t ever real to begin with. 


So instead I focus on work. If you’re too busy with work than you’re too busy to think of anything else right? To be honest, and this sounds greedy or shallow, but after Paris 1.0, seeing my savings account, actually having savings, brings me comfort and joy. Not as much as having a partner to share it with, but I’m trying to appreciate what I do have otherwise I’d spiral back into depression so... small victories. At least now I can afford to travel to new cities, and explore them in my free time. Now if I can just decide where to settle...


I haven’t written much here lately because I can’t write about non-Paris things on a Paris blog. I would never write a blog on London, or any American cities, because they’re not exotic enough. For now I write what I know, but the inspiration comes intermittently. What else can I write about Paris that I haven’t already written? I’m open to suggestions. 






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